Not A Chance.

Just sittin' around, thinkin'...

The first thing I'm thinking is that I may have titled this blog with optimism a little bit too soon.

I'm just going to 'vomit in mid-air' here, as an old friend once described babbling.

I looked at my dashboard today while on lunch and didn't know whether to laugh or cry. Really, I think I just sat there wild-eyed in disbelief.

I haven't really talked about what's been going on around here, but since I'm apparently going on about my sixth weekend without time to myself, at a time when I really need it.... I'm going to vent.

First, there was buying the car. I tried to make it so that I could get it on my 'weekend' and so planned my time around it, but of course.... they had trouble getting it from Milwaukee and made it so that I had to take time off to get it bought. And, the salesman did the numbers wrong, so where I should have owed nothing, I owed something and had to dip into my rent. Thankfully, the.... I just can't find an appropriate name for him, so I'll just call him my... 'ex', covered that... as well he should have.... as I and what few friends I have left knew he would screw me as soon as I sold the Jeep and he had no liability left in this sorry marriage.

So, I got the car and the next week came word of the blizzard bearing down on us. It was arriving on Tuesday (Tues. and Wed. are my weekend) and into Wednesday, and on the advice of a friend I parked somewhere that I could pull straight out and hoped for the best. We all know how that ended up. Neighbors dug me out, but the city didn't dig out the neighborhood, so I lost two days of work.

The next 'weekend', I went out hopefully on Tuesday morning to get groceries, and came home to the dog story. By Wednesday the media was calling and visiting and Reva wasn't comfortable with any of it. Not to mention, the storeroom downstairs where we kept them was a wreck and I wasn't going to leave her to clean it on her own (and if you knew Reva, you would know she wouldn't/couldn't wait for when I had time... and truly the building management wouldn't have been happy}. So, I took off another day.

The following Tuesday morning I had high hopes for errands, laundry and sanity. That's when I got a text message about my old friend, Romero being critical with H1N1. I got up the next morning and went and sat with him and spent the rest of the day thinking about just... well, the past and sad times... and sometimes, happy ones.

Meanwhile, back in the past but sitting squarely on my plate awaiting an answer was this situation. And old friend was contemplating moving back here and in with me. Over the holidays he finally said, he didn't want to move back. It took my breath away for several days, but I adjusted and began looking at Plan B. Two days before he left to go back home, he told me he thought he did want to move back, if I could move heaven, earth and a few extra boulders. I did, and he helped in some regards. So, at least now I knew what I was working towards as far the the near future went.

Not so much.

I called him to update him on Romero and give him some information about moving up here, and he told me he thought he'd changed his mind, after all. He didn't want to move back. I tried to be understanding. I mean, he has no obligation to me other than his word.... but, truly... I was looking around, making sure I wasn't a flat piece of sisal planted firmly in front of a door. I mean, I didn't remember having laid down.

The next day I went to work, went to lunch and my check engine light went on. I lost an hour and a half of work taking the car up to be looked at, and they said they had to keep it... for days. When I got home, I went up to Reva's to vent. She looked at me in amazement... and rather sadly, but talking to her helped.

And when I got downstairs there was THE email from the 'ex', entitled 'Money'. He was due to drop money in my account the following morning. Instead in true 'ex' form... he said (as everyone expected) that he was withdrawing all money, and shutting off my phone and internet. Immediately. Instead of talking to me about how his finances were months ago so that I could make allowances to need less from him... so that he could pay his bills as well.... he ran us both into the ground. His last line was, "I'm drowning here." And Reva responded, "He's the one who jumped in the lake."

So, on my next weekend I went up to Carmax to get my car. The problem had been a spark plug and a seatbelt issue (that's what took all the time to correct). I handed them gladly their Ford Focus and drove away in the Hereafter.

I am being very unemotional in this telling. What I am not saying, what I cannot put into words is the emotional roller coaster I've been on. I truly thought we were going to lose Romero, as did his ex-lover and his sister... and his doctor, for that matter. It brought up all shades of the AIDS epidemic for me, and I just stared it down. I had to.

I had faith in so many people and things... to do the right thing... even if that was only to be honest with themselves and me. The loss of money is devastating, but the loss of faith in people I love.... it wrenches me away from everything I knew and trusted.

And, maybe that's the point of this year.

Three people have been amazingly kind and giving. One, an old blogging friend I've never met... Jolie, who speaks the truth even if she thinks it might hurt you. She's ten years my senior and eons wiser than I will ever be.

Another is a young gay man, who at any given time if he hasn't heard from me, will text and say, "Are you okay?" I rarely say no, but if I do... he's there to listen.

The third is Eileen in Cabinets at work. First off, she gives me chocolate and homemade rye bread to die for. Secondly, she listens to every sorry story I bring her... and we laugh together. Though I would never call her on it, she said this past week that she will not see me homeless. I'll be living in her guest room if need be.

Why? No idea, except there ARE exceptional people out there.

............

So, it became clear that yesterday the 'ex' was cutting off my phone. I called several days before and set up an account with the cell company and they sent me a SIM card. But then the card didn't come and there was an issue with the internet and two other things. I tried to take care of them on my lunch yesterday, but an hour wasn't enough and so I gave up five hours, came home and was on the phone for six.

I went into work at seven this morning. I went to lunch at eleven... looked at my dashboard, and the Check Engine Light was on, again.

I am bone weary. I am emotionally toasted, roasted and flambeed. I don't know who I am, anymore. I told my friend Brandon the other day, that I used to be happy... fun. I need to get that back. I'm so far away from getting it back right now, it's not funny. As Archie Bunker once said, "I'd have to rally to die".

.............

I do not forget the good things... the way the sky looked yesterday. The sound of the lake now that the ice has melted. The joy on Meanders face when I take the leash off in an unexpected place and say, "GO!".

Romero is alive and off the ventilator, which is some kind of a miracle.

Honey and Howard, as the 'crackhouse' pups are now known are incredibly happy, according to Reva, and if they don't get a home she's taking them to her mother in Kentucky.

Jolie, Brandon and Eileen.... new friends, who have no reason to care for me... that do. And work managers who never question, but just say, yes.

Reva. Just Reva.

A car (such as it is), food and a bed with a window onto the water.

..........

Sigh.